I have deleated this post because it was horrible, and I the same for writing it. I no longer deserve to be a part of this loving group specially or a member of the body of Christ in general. Goodbye.

Larry PM ME!! or check the chat box

Larry,
We are all saved by the grace of God. Does the church that you go to do communion every week? I believe in the Apostles doctrine. What is going on what did the pastor preach on today. Your saying money and stuff? Well Tithing is biblical. My husband and I pay 10% to our church. You pay the 10% God will pore blessing out into your life. Can you give me a little more background on what went on today. PM Me if you need to. I want to help you. Whatever you do, DO NOT GIVE UP ON God!!. God has been very good to us. I can tell you story after story on how he has blessed my husband and I. He raised my husband from the dead twice. He had died twice on an operating table and he was brought back both times. He saved my dad, my brother and myself we where in a head on collision and we all made it out alive. God is to good to give up on.

Larry just checking to see how you are doing. I am wondering does the church that you attend do Communion every week or just once in awhile?
I have added you to our prayer list on my churches website. Keep reading the Bible and Praying. Hang in there. We Love you
Admin

Admin wrote:Larry just checking to see how you are doing. I am wondering does the church that you attend do Communion every week or just once in awhile?
I have added you to our prayer list on my churches website. Keep reading the Bible and Praying. Hang in there. We Love you
Admin

They do communion once a month I think. I don't keep track. It doesn't matter anymore.

Putting me on the prayer list at your church is nice but I question its value. I have not prayed in a few days. First, I can't pray good enough. I never know what to say. Second, God will not take me back this time, so prayer is pointless.

I do not believe any longer that people with bipolar and depression in general can be Christians, at least that applies to me. When I am hypo manic, I love God and all is well. When I am depressed, I have zero faith and less belief. Now, I have been having panic attacks at church before going in to the service. It is clear that I do not belong there.

UM Larry that is not true you are very valuble to God. You know how I know that God knew you before you where born. God loves you very much. If you where the only person in the world I think he would have came down to earth as a baby just like he did and Died on that cross for you. The panic attacks is just the enemy to keep you out of church. You keep going and keep fighting. I can guarantee you that there are others in that church that have problems too. Can you promise me that you will keep going to church and keep fighting. YOU MATTER TO GOD!!
Love Admin

I understand when I am depressed I feel like giving up but my pastor and his wife pray for me daily and I do see the benefits from there prayers
You hang in ther .

Larry, I know what it's like to be so low that you feel there's no need in even trying anymore. Thing is, there's times that I've had to push myself and keep crying out to God and let Him know that I can't do it all alone. He has never left or forsaken me. He's seen me through the toughest times in life. He may have seemed distant at times, but those are actually the times He's even closer.
This illness can be a major downer in itself, but you can't give up. When you make it through one valley, you'll be able to enjoy the top of the mountain even more. You'll also be stronger to conquer the next storm that hits.
Praying for you.

Admin wrote:Can you promise me that you will keep going to church and keep fighting. YOU MATTER TO GOD!!
Love Admin

I promise I will keep going to church. I promise I will never give up. I promise I will never stop trying.

I suppose that when I am certain that I am so far from God that He will never take me back is when I need faith the most. Unfortunately, I have none, but I promise to you and the God I doubt even exists that I will never give up.

angelkiss wrote:Larry, I know what it's like to be so low that you feel there's no need in even trying anymore. Thing is, there's times that I've had to push myself and keep crying out to God and let Him know that I can't do it all alone. He has never left or forsaken me. He's seen me through the toughest times in life. He may have seemed distant at times, but those are actually the times He's even closer.
This illness can be a major downer in itself, but you can't give up. When you make it through one valley, you'll be able to enjoy the top of the mountain even more. You'll also be stronger to conquer the next storm that hits.
Praying for you.

Angelkiss,

I am sorry for being so weak and such a failure.

Your words are beautiful, but how can I keep going when I am stressed to max and ready to explode? I wrote a simi-mock suicide note at work yesterday but then erased it. I better write another just in case. I want to cut, and cut, and cut deep. I am so far away from God--if there really is one--that He will never take me back. The future is blacker than empty space, and I am alone out here.

Our house will not sell despite wasted prayers to a nothing God myth. My soon to be ex-wife cannot survive financially on her own. She tried to get a loan to buy my half of the house so she could stay here, but she does not have enouge verifyable income to get a loan nor could she make the payments each month. It looks as if I will have to give her the house and walk away with nothing. Even then I will need to help her financially.

I should have faith now, but I don't. I should pray harder now, but prayer accomplishes nothing. I prayed for the house to sell--nothing. I have prayed to know God's will and plan for my life--nothing. I prayed for God to remove everything from my self and life that He does not want me to have and take control of what is left--nothing. I have prayed for faith and belief in Him--nothing.

So being a Christian did not work. OK. That is not a huge loss. I wan't one long enough to get attached to it, so letting go of it won't hurt much. What little hurt there may be can easily be drunk away. In truth, letting go of nothing is as releasing a handfull of air. There was no air in my hand anyway.

Larry, my heart goes out to you. I have lifted you up in prayer and will continue.
I was a cutter several years ago. One day I realized that, although I thought at the time, it was a relief from all the pain that was on the inside........I was so numb, that I didn't even feel pain on the outside. Therefore, all that was left was a bunch of wounds that turned into scars. The pain on the inside was still there. It only made things worse to have daily reminders of the pain I was going through. Having to explain them added to that, and the process never ended. Upon realizing this, I finally decided that I was tired of letting this illness control me for it was consuming everything I had become. Thus, creating the poem in my signature. I took a stand against this illness and I started fighting. I was too stubborn to let anything stand in my way before and I wasn't about to give in.
Although easier said than done, I fight every day and I refuse to let it get the best of me.
I've been through some things in life that have left therapists in awe that I am still alive. They say that I have lived enough life for two people. Actions that I had made landed me homeless, jobless, and a shell. I cried out to God to take it all from me. The day I started doing for myself was the day my life started turning around for the better.
Being a Christian is the best times of my life. However, satan has fought me harder than ever in my walk with Christ for he wants me to give up and follow him. I refuse.
God puts no more on us than we can bare. I know that seems hard to believe when life seems unbearable, but that proves how strong we are. To make it through the tough times builds our strength. Life is hard in general. When an illness like this intervenes it makes things a little tougher. satan knows our weaknesses and when we are at our weakest points he works as hard as he can to make us give in.
God answers prayer. Thing is, He answers on His time. He knows our hearts, our minds, our souls. It may seem that your house won't sell, but I believe it will. I don't know how things are in your area, but where I'm from it takes a while. The price of land and such are outrageous right now and it makes it hard. But, God will send someone who is in need.
As far as God's will and plan for you.......I'm still not real clear on what His will and plan is for me. He works in mysterious ways and I just trust in Him.
I'm sorry to be so long-winded. I just care. I will end with this verse that I hope will help. And I will continue to lift you up to God and pray that He will bless and keep you always.

And the Lord said, If ye had faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye might say unto this sycamore tree, Be thou plucked up by the root, and be thou planted in the sea; and it should obey you. Luke 17:6

Larry,
Number one how long has your house been on the market. Number two dont stop praying. Alot of times we get impatient with God that we want to give up myself included. Alot of times we stop praying before that last prayed when God will intervene. Keep praying and trusting God.
Number 3. The housing market is not the greatest right now. I thought we wouldnt sell our last house but we ended up selling it. Please be patient. Hang in there.
Sherr

Admin wrote:Larry,
Number one how long has your house been on the market. Number two dont stop praying. Alot of times we get impatient with God that we want to give up myself included. Alot of times we stop praying before that last prayed when God will intervene. Keep praying and trusting God.
Number 3. The housing market is not the greatest right now. I thought we wouldnt sell our last house but we ended up selling it. Please be patient. Hang in there.
Sherr

Thank you. Our house has been listed for three months, during prime summer time. We will have to take it off market and wait until spring to try again. That is what hurts. My wife and I will then be divorced but still living together.

I just don't have it in me to pray when my faith is gone and my belief in God is smaller than a period. The only bright spot I have is that through it all, I have not cut. I wanted to cut so bad and so deep the past few days. I guess that fact that I have not cut shows that God is still here with me. Fortunately, I have therapy in two hours.

Have you thought of marriage counseling. I would like to see you try to work it out. My husband and I have issues but marriage is a commitment. I went through alot of stuff growing up that I will share with you later that I am just now starting to deal with. But i am not going to end my marriage although I feel like it at times. Marriage is a commitment. Sometimes there will not be the warm fuzzies in a marriage but you keep pressing on. God has got something special for you and keep praying keep close to the Lord and I know with having this condition we have our days but hang in there you are worth it to God.