I made a fool of myself again today at church. I have going for about 1 1/2 months, and I am afraid I already have the reputation of a freak. It seems that every time I go it becomes increasingly difficult. I was ushered out of service a few weeks ago to go to the prayer room because I was crying so strong. It was a good thing, but I showed myself to be so pathetic and needy.

Last week, I got a panic attack. The lobby is as big as most local churches and the sanctuary seats over 1,000. I was in the lobby looking at the happy people with family, talking and smiling. I knew I didn't fit in. I knew I didn't belong. When I went in for service, I couldn't do it. I hurried back out and leaned against a pillar just outside of the door. My body was constricted, breathing short, labored, my eyes flashed around in fear. Someone came over, asked if I was alright, and prayed over me. Then I did go inside for the service and sat at the end of a pew in the back.

Today, I have a worse panic attack. I froze at the door. I went off down an empty hall and sat in a chair by myself. The woman I talked to came and sat beside me. We talked. She comforted me, and prayed for me. A man came by and did the same. It felt so good.

I have made a decision however. I will stop bothering the greeters and ushers and loving people who have prayed over me every week for nearly two months. I am just too needy. No more. I will go in, avoid the lobby, sit down in the corner in church, and leave right after the service. In fact, I will not tell anyone anymore that I am a Christian. I am the worst witness for Christ ever. No one will want to come to Jesus when they see how sad and screwed up I am, always crying are needing help. I am the worst representative for God ever. I will keep my stupid mouth shut and wait until I die. My happiness with come in heaven if I stay alive until I die.

Larry,
Can I help you. You need people to be able to pray with you and to talk with you. I myself feel the same way at times. I dont want anyone to know what is going on. But if they dont know how can they help. I am going to pray for you. I am glad that a lady and a man came by to talk and pray with you. That tells me they care. You need to let people do that. I know with having Bipolar things can be hard. I was doing that for awhile to go into church and leave right after. My Pastor has asked me to stay around for a bit to get to know people. When you have others that can help you it does help.
If there is anything that I can do to help let me know. Everyone here on the Support forum Loves you but more important Jesus Loves you.
Hang in there.
Admin

Let me start by saying......you fit in just as much as anyone else. You are a dear child of God and though you have your struggles, He thinks no less of you. I know what it's like to feel like an outsider because I've always been so different. I have found myself falling apart in public, going into panic attacks in crowds, and even having my rages. God knows our hearts and He knows our struggles. We are no less in His eyes. Quite frankly, I see no one any less in my own.
My prayers are with you.

Larry,
How are you doing? We miss hearing from you. Hope you are doing ok and have a blessed Day.

Typical of our disorder, I am not a mess. I had a great session with my therapist yesterday. She pointed out my solid victories already in motion. She gave me some coping skills in case the anxiety comes on again this Sunday. As a full blown caretaker--something I am just beginning to see--we discussed my need to set boundaries in order to avoid being used and to make myself and my own needs more of a priority. For example, rather than helping people on various depression and bipolar forums practically all the time, to reduce my internet time and institute regular devotional time everyday to be with the Lord and study the Bible. She also tole me that I can and need to be proud of my successes even though every success from God's strength working in my weakness. She said that need to allow myself to feel good about my successes. OK, so here goes.

I am proud of myself because I have not cut in 18 days!

Also, last night I began a five week study class at church about the basics of Christianity, which will be followed by two more levels after that! I have men's Bible study every Saturday morning now, and Tuesday morning prayer group. I am finally have some fellowship. I am being with people and trying to make friends.

You know, I am proud of myself. After so many years of torment and pain, I never gave up, I trusted God and Him alone to pull me through, I have worked hard on my part, and now I really am happy. I really have some of the Joy of God in me. (It is odd to say that, but it is true.) How long until another depressive episode, I do not know. I do know that God will complete the good work that He has begun in me until the day of Christ Jesus, and that my next depressive episode will not devastate me because my Dad will be with me.

Love, and Joy,
Larry

Larry,
I am glad that you are doing better. I know about the forums on Depression and Bipolar. That is why I added a place on the forum for the Daily Bible Verse. There we can post scripture and discuss it.
Have a good and Blessed Day
Admin